Waking up

Waking up on the morning after Gavin died was to wake with the thought that I ‘lived in a world without him’. That was overwhelmingly sad. Tears welled, and nothing could stop that. I came to see that nothing should stop that expression of sadness. That it’s OK to be seen to be grieving. Other members of my family would have to deal with their own emotions their way. I was invited to embrace all that losing someone near and dear would offer. To do otherwise would be to deny what being human in nature really is. Yes, I write this with hindsight and insights gifted through the subsequent years yet even now, almost 5 years on, that initial pain of heart can be as sharp as a blade that pierces the skin. I embrace that, to sob or gently weep is to allow that feeling to have a place, a space to be accepted and loved as part of who I am now. Its OK to feel a sadness and to express that. Its not there to make you feel ‘less than’ its there to show love and kindness to the one who is sad. By allowing my feelings to show, to express that sorrow became a space where others could do what they needed in their moments. In the days and weeks following, whether clearing out his home and possessions. Organising his affairs and a funeral, or dealing with hospital investigations and a coroner there is a putting aside of emotion. Yet always an invitation to return to that in quiet moments. Some can allow and many can not, because it hurts and that is not pleasant to feel. It is to be avoided, perhaps simply to survive one can’t allow that pain to the surface as many other pains will ask to be felt too.