Ocean of Emotion

I mentioned in my last blog about how my anger would come in waves, as does all emotions. Strong emotions ask for release in the moment they are felt. Yet the thinking mind can step in and say,’I’m not ready for this’ ‘not now as I dont feel in a safe space’. A survival mode possibly as there is that idea that it will make us too vulnerable and hurt, and that would also hurt others more than if it is suppressed. A needing to be strong for the sake of not hurting others. Feeling those emotions as and when they arise, to acknowledge them, to allow their expression is to allow space for others to be how they need to be. Being vulnerable can be a strength, where there is allowing others to see that it’s OK to sob with sadness, rail at the world for the seeming injustices done to onesself and others. To also find a gratitude in awful circumstances, for what we can learn about ourselves and what it is to be human. I’m sure many have said that emotion is simply ‘energy in motion’ and its a felt truth for me. The current of anger, grief or sadness can be an undertow that pulls me down, yet to feel that is to allow it to flow. The flow releases its force and I can bob up to the surface and take a breath. Even float on the tide for a while. Be brought to a place where my feet can touch the bottom and support the body until the next roller washes me out to sea again. As in the months and years that follow, there will be an upsurge, maybe even a tsunami of overwhelm that takes me away from and into my self. The paradox where by feeling unfastened from safe shores of what I think I know, anchored to what is thought to be my place, to a place where I feel everything so as to become unburdened. As for the anger it has been brought to balance as I now see that all did the best they can with what they had and knew in their moments. A combination of circumstances that ended in Gavins’ demise. Lessons to be learned for all of us. Awareness to be raised about PEs and DVT’s that can save lives. It’s a condition that doesn’t discriminate by age or gender, weight or fitness

There is also the sub-consciousness that will take upon its self a suppression of emotion, solely and soully for survival, as to feel fully of that moment would be overly harmful for the body. My reflection of my experiences is that one day that will all resurface to be felt one day. I have seen that be embracing all emotions around Gavins death I opened the possibility to my subconscious that there may be a readiness to rewitness past events that though suppressed beyond conscious knowing for years. They may finally be felt and heard. More of that another time.