What changes!

What follows in the next few blogs, is simply to set the scene of my landscape as a child, teen and young adult. The who, what and how of accessible memories of my growing up. 

I say everything changed when I was 8, yet that’s not quite true. My life was   simply that, my life with family.  No seeing of things being anything other than they ought to be. No felt undercurrents of trouble between my parents. We were never overly huggy as a family,  I was just an ordinary kid in an ordinary family. My brother was  often in trouble with dad. Leather belt or a beating went his way. Not often but memorable. 

So, as an 8 year old, I had to share my brothers room and bed because family were staying for Christmas.   I recall my brother asking me if he could put his hand between my legs!!  To which I said no, and that’s it.  No running to tell Mum and Dad. Taking it that he didn’t press the request. Going to sleep as if he had never asked, that it never happened yet it is remembered. An existent, on the surface, memory to be recalled should it be required that my brother had respected my refusal.  As far as I then recall is that I went to sleep.  It was the same year that I started smoking. Yes, I was young. Yes, I had 2 parents who smoked, and my brother offered me one!  I took it.  I guess I wanted to be on his ‘good side’ that I wanted to fit in, be seen as an ally.   I just did it, and there’s no thinking that this wasn’t good for me, or how cross my parents would be at me or him.  With the hind sight from where I am now,  it’s easy to see the people pleasing aspects that I was already cultivating, that I was already conditioned into. Along with a disregard of personal safety. 

Apart from school, I didn’t have peer friendships. Most of my daily interactions were with other adults.  The casual summer workers that worked the nursery of roses. The older couple next door.  I don’t even recall much interplay with my brother, and those there were, were often of a mean-spirited Chinese burns type game, to which I never said no. Or me being in goal as he practiced at football one summer. Me simply happy to be included.

So that sexual encounter wasn’t spoken of and pretty much wasn’t felt to be of great consequence then. It simply was. Our village school closed down and it was now catch the bus to a bigger town school.  Earlier start. More kids.  Doing well, I like to learn and like to please. I got on with most of my classmates, never not able to fit in. Though I didn’t really understand the popularity contests or the cattiness of some of the girls.    Nothing felt to rock my sunny nature.  Puberty comes all of a rush in the summer between junior and secondary school.   I see how adults react to that.  I see my brother even less now. He’s at school in a different town.  He’s drawn by the city too. 

Settling in to senior school, start having independence to visit with a friend, go to the cinema.  A Sunday job in a newsagents. Have a close friend and we share confidences. Giggles about sex education, whispered desires and wonderings. Not sharing how I’d walked in to the living room to see my brother sat on the chair with his trousers round his ankles. Our pet dog reversed up to him!!  I dont tell anyone. I don’t recall any threats to keep quiet, so I just don’t feel the need to tell on him.    I spend time at her home, I get to experience family life other than my own.     Boys showing interest.  Older boys, men too!  I do like the attention. 

The body develops at a different rate to the brain, exploring the sensual and sexual side of this pre-teen and teenage body that looks like a grown up, self-satisfaction to orgasm.  I lost my virginity to a semi stranger at 12 and a half. He’d always been kind when we met at the pub where my mum or my friends sister worked.   Offered me a lift home one day from the bus stop.. We chatted, and things moved along.  Was it consensual? Yes.  My body responded to his touch.  Did I feel unsafe or threatened? No. Did it feel wrong? No, not really, I knew it was legally wrong, but that’s all. Did I like having his attention? Yes.  

Ahh, now it’s teenage years of change.  Abandonment, promiscuity, who cares? Seems like nobody does, not even me!!! Til next time.