HelenzArt-life-musings

Month: May 2024

  • Why the need for change?

    Hind sight is a wonderful thing. I’ve seen where there have been so many times in my adult years where I have been brought to a chance to make those life changing experiences deeper than before. Chances to remember who and what I am in and of myself. Places in time where situations have brought me to my knees in losing so much but not seeing and hearing that inner urge to reawaken to life’s possibilities. To be more me. To emerge from conditionings, yet those chances weren’t heeded as I knew not how to be still and listen to those.

    When, through my own actions of deception I nearly lost our roof over head, my husband having no choice but to eject and reject me to protect himself and our children. I was bereft of family and home. Yes, to terminate my own life was a consideration but I was resolved to see things right first. In doing that I came to stillness of body yet the mind still focused outwards on how to help them. There were glimmerings of seeing my hidden past yet I wasn’t ready to visit those then.

    I ought to state though that ‘my own actions’ is potentially a mis-direction, as, on occasion, it felt as though I was in a room with a window watching a facsimile of me do what was felt to be necessary for survival! I have had insight into that too which may or may not be shared as these blogs turn through my musings.

    As the Universe turns it will bring circumstances into view where that invitation for change comes round again. May be we listen and may be we don’t.

    Our son’s death was pivotal for me. That deep loss and the way I learned to grieve was a loosening of those ties and binds that kept the veil over my inner, as yet unknown, unseen, unfelt, reality. Small learnings through absolute devastation to find a way to rebuild remembrances of innate nature. A darkening of the soul to move toward the light. To choose to undertake hypnotherapy purely to stop smoking was serendipity, as that was going to show me how to open out what lies beneath with guidance from both inside and outside. To plumb unrealised depths of pain and torment. Yes, it hurts, yet it can also bring an intense gratitude. Therapy is of most benefit when it is undertaken of one’s own needing for relief. To do it for the sake of another or because it is prescribed by someone may encounter some resistance in the body. That feeling of non engagement in the process. I’ve seen those that have tried and have felt it to be a failure, thinking that it’s not for them and in that moment, it’s not. Why? Because when it feels right, it is right, that inner instinct of ‘I can and must do this’ will be so strong, there will be no holding back of that will to change.

    I have come to a serene space within. Where works are created and words spill forth in the hope that others can feel safe that all will be OK.

  • When you have no idea…

    I’m still setting out my ‘on the surface’ memories of my young life, simply to give a baseline for how when my world was shaken like a snow globe. A topsy turvy world of grief through which I came to question the world. Therapy that made me question reality and sanity and everything I thought I knew of my life.

    There are many young people who know from early on, where they want to head their steps towards on their life path. I saw it in my own children. Our late son declaring at just age 10 that he wanted to go to either Oxford or Cambridge, following a sciences path. Our daughter too seeing Uni on her path. Even our oldest grandson has a good idea of where he wants to go.

    Me, at that age, had no clue. That I had academic abilities was likely, even a natural talent for something’s. Yet, no drive to make the best of those, no nurturing of those from others or myself. My peers seemed more decisive. Those that were less academic still saw possibilities even if those were the manual labour or apprentice schemes. Still an era of the secretary and marry well for girls. Building and plumbing or mechanic for the boys. I had no passion for anything, a career advisers nightmare. Though by chance he gave me a Civil Service brochure and that had forestry office. Out doors and trees sounded good to me. I applied, and had to take their written exam for Executive Officer entry. That was a breeze and led to an interview. Passed so next was to get my ‘A’ levels in English and Biology, took Art but that didn’t count. Too little too late. I couldn’t summon the drive to knuckle down and study. Exams taken, failed to get a Biology pass. So I still had no idea what I wanted to do, though I did join the Civil Service at a lower grade. Which sort of fell in my lap, not a drive for it but luck.

    That having ‘no idea’ was my way. See what happens.

    The summer of my 19th year I’m in a relationship where I dress how he wants and go where he wants, spending my earnings on his car and expenses. Why? Because that’s what I do to feel accepted and wanted. I dance to others tunes as a line of least resistance. To feel like I’m human and needed. Being what I think others need of me, obedient.

    I enjoy my job but I’m still a one friend kind of person and she’s at Uni now. I drift. I drift out of the relationship as I start to see it for the poor state of affairs it is. I have met people who see more in me than I do. I have no idea how or why but time to make a move.

    The rest can be abridged to settling into a relationship with a good man. Marriage, miscarriage, children. Ups and downs. My almost losing everything through mishandling money and fraudulent deceit. Which will be the last post before I express what taking the step to therapy did.