When you have no idea…

I’m still setting out my ‘on the surface’ memories of my young life, simply to give a baseline for how when my world was shaken like a snow globe. A topsy turvy world of grief through which I came to question the world. Therapy that made me question reality and sanity and everything I thought I knew of my life.

There are many young people who know from early on, where they want to head their steps towards on their life path. I saw it in my own children. Our late son declaring at just age 10 that he wanted to go to either Oxford or Cambridge, following a sciences path. Our daughter too seeing Uni on her path. Even our oldest grandson has a good idea of where he wants to go.

Me, at that age, had no clue. That I had academic abilities was likely, even a natural talent for something’s. Yet, no drive to make the best of those, no nurturing of those from others or myself. My peers seemed more decisive. Those that were less academic still saw possibilities even if those were the manual labour or apprentice schemes. Still an era of the secretary and marry well for girls. Building and plumbing or mechanic for the boys. I had no passion for anything, a career advisers nightmare. Though by chance he gave me a Civil Service brochure and that had forestry office. Out doors and trees sounded good to me. I applied, and had to take their written exam for Executive Officer entry. That was a breeze and led to an interview. Passed so next was to get my ‘A’ levels in English and Biology, took Art but that didn’t count. Too little too late. I couldn’t summon the drive to knuckle down and study. Exams taken, failed to get a Biology pass. So I still had no idea what I wanted to do, though I did join the Civil Service at a lower grade. Which sort of fell in my lap, not a drive for it but luck.

That having ‘no idea’ was my way. See what happens.

The summer of my 19th year I’m in a relationship where I dress how he wants and go where he wants, spending my earnings on his car and expenses. Why? Because that’s what I do to feel accepted and wanted. I dance to others tunes as a line of least resistance. To feel like I’m human and needed. Being what I think others need of me, obedient.

I enjoy my job but I’m still a one friend kind of person and she’s at Uni now. I drift. I drift out of the relationship as I start to see it for the poor state of affairs it is. I have met people who see more in me than I do. I have no idea how or why but time to make a move.

The rest can be abridged to settling into a relationship with a good man. Marriage, miscarriage, children. Ups and downs. My almost losing everything through mishandling money and fraudulent deceit. Which will be the last post before I express what taking the step to therapy did.