Why has it been a while?

At the end of my last blog I felt as though I was ready to write about my experiences of unravelling my thought of self. A venture into the paradox of insane, sanity.

As you can see it’s now 2 months on so ‘why has it been a while?

I have had life’s usual distractions of being a human, wife and mother and also a hugely rewarding experience of curating a solo exhibition of my art works.

For 2 weeks I got to sit and paint in the gallery/exhibition space with over 50 of my paintings. Sharing a high ceilinged space with painted musing of almost 5 years.

From my previous blog to the show opening was nearly a month, 2 weeks of which my hubby was away. I was able to dog walk, eat when I chose and tend to my works by cataloguing, tagging and revisiting them. Sitting and having new conversations with those inner created works. Manifestations that have taught me much about me, gifted insights building on the opening out that therapy offered and which I gratefully took.

The 2 weeks of the exhibition was opportunity to see how far I have developed, not only as an artist but in my ability to talk freely about how and why I create with the themes involved. Although that isn’t separate from all that I am, I do chose not to mention much of my past as it is simply that now. Past experiences that though shaping who I am now, are no longer held within my body like a toxin, poisoning my view of myself and the relational aspect to the world in my view. And yes, my inner viewing wasn’t the happiest of ones!

Art can be a therapy too, yet for me it’s never been about putting down emotional content, but an allowing or creating a visual space for emotional content to be found and felt. Not angst ridden vistas of dark and violent strokes, nor fairy tale vistas, but honest, semi surreal landscapes through which I get to express a vision or boundaried version of my world. As neither words nor painted depictions can truely express how I feel in every moment of every breath. Though I must admit that there are just one or two dark recollections. My work comes from my found well-spring of serenity. That place of connection with my soul that is found and valued, loved beyond measure. Balanced to see all, to feel it all deeply and honestly yet to not hold that within, to express with gratitude.

So that sitting in amongst my work brought about some deep, emotional responses. A rounding up of and integration for the last few years. Letting go of the trauma responses to the revelations gifted through my therapy. A healing of the past and a rehearing of those brought into the present.

I am now ready to write and express though they may not be chronologically accurate as feelings and high emotions when recollected over time become hazy. I’ll do my best.