Moving along…

When I first started this site I was under the impression that it was to lay out my experiences with therapy. That was an intention to document the weekly visiting to spaces hidden in my body and under-consciousness over a 3 month span.

The thing is that in the intervening years I have been sitting and integrating those experiences. The happenings that got revisited, the younger ‘me’s’ that got brought to heart to be comforted through their pain and trauma. Soothed in ways that could never have happened back then.

Re-witnessing and feeling those past events was/ is to bring about an allowing for those multi-layered yet hidden in the body emotions and responses that had no safe space to be released in then.

Back in the 1960’s a lot less was documented, examined and written about how trauma and repeated traumas affect the body. Shell shock like the veterans of WW1 experienced has now become seen as PTSD. Add the repetition or multiple trauma and it becomes complex. With my emerging experiences primarily of my mother and later my brother, it’s hardly surprising that I have exhibited traits of people-pleasing, conflict avoidance and many other unseen ‘tics’ of stress related environmental factors for most of my life.

For these events to surface was to bring that deeper bodied response to be expressed. Expression is to bring light to what is to no longer have the biggest say in one’s life. Whether we know it or not those early years do shape our relationships to ourselves and others.

I have come to see that my body, my soul spirit, my sub-conscious, no longer needed to hide this from me as a survival method. I had done one of the hardest things by grieving whole heartedly for Gavin, and I could carry on doing the hard thing in facing that hidden world within. It was time to wake up, to rise up and become more than I could possible imagine.

The past 12 months, since I last wrote here, I have grown, I have changed. I have settled past many of those traumas. They have faded like old photographs. I may still talk about my first intensive months of therapy with Chris yet that’s not to be dissected now in the same manner.

Just be assured that should you ever walk that path you will feel that you are going insane yet it will feel so right that you won’t feel the need to turn away.