HelenzArt-life-musings

Tag: Seasonalgrief

  • How that first anniversary feels.

    To be honest the firsts of anything are hard.  The first Christmas,  mothers day, fathers day, their birthday etc.  We know it’s coming and there can be a sense of dread attached to that.  We found that to do something they would have liked, or to celebrate having known them rather than think of what we have lost is better for us. Remembrances of good times. Certainly better for me, and that’s not a denial of the pain felt. That is tacitly acknowledged,  a sadness that offers gladness to have been part of their physical lives and to be better for having known them. 

    When the first anniversary of Gavins death came round, we had already made a plan. To do something most extraordinary.  To overlay that sad with very special memories of family.  We went to Finland, the family of hubby and I, our daughter with her husband and our two grandchildren.  Snow, huskies, reindeer, the whole experiences that a wonderland of snow can offer.  Did it help, absolutely yes. 

    When we meet that anniversary now it’s with those memories of family. Gavin was with us as we fell and slipped and wondered at the experiences. He was still part of it in spirit of that, I’m certain. 

    On his birthday, I recall that bond of birthing that happened as I first held him. That soul thread attachment between us, welded and melded.  I am grateful that the thread hold strong to this day.  He is part of who I am, and will remain so through this life and all transitions. 

  • Seasonal grief

    Grieving is hard no matter when it occurs but there are times of the year that will seem to bring their loss closer to the surface. Their birthday, the seasonal celebrations where families generally come together. Christmas and Easter for those who celebrate that way.

    What ever the occasion maybe its still OK to remember them and feel the mixing of sad with glad. I’ve found that being sad can easily turn to glad when I start recalling antics from those celebrations in the past. To create new memories with them held in the heart, being part of the spirit of celebrations and laughter. Even when that first event comes round it is OK to laugh, to find something to smile over. 

    when Gavins affairs were all wrapped up and monies received we actively made a choice to over lay that sadness of the time of his passing with a totally new experiencing. We took us off to a full experience of Lapland. that 1st year anniversary saw us go as a family to Finland. to ski and snowshoe. Meet reindeer and huskies. Sledge over the fells, toboggan down slopes and hope to see the auroras. Even with out the money he generously gifted us, we were given opportunities to change how we faced those known possibilities of when it could be hardest to bear his loss. 

    Perhaps is because we look back linearly at the time line that the Finland trip comes before the date of his passing. The laughter and shared tears in the snow that have somehow eased the weight of grief. The very first Christmas, less than a month after his death, was awful and now we make allowances each season to recognise and hear that loss and then start celebrating how lucky we have been and still are to have him in our hearts.

    Would that there was a magic wand with which to conjure away the pain. Yet there is not, there is only stillness which can bring that. Stillness and giving yourself permission to feel what needs to be felt. 5 years on and I still give myself permission to shed a tear when needed. It doesn’t matter when it happens as I can simply allow it to come. Despite the list of emotions to be felt, it’s not a road map. There’s no wrong order or wrong way to go through grieving. It’s going to happen at some stage in the life journey. 

    For me, the one thing that lingers still is guilt, which is something the list doesn’t mention. That will be something to write about next year.

    if you have read this far, I thank you. The year of 2023 is drawing to a close. its been a surprise to me to start these writings, yet it feels right and the year to come shall be interesting as I try to express how the loss of Gavin brought me so much to be grateful for.